Makeshift Surfaces: March 2012

Saturday, March 24, 2012

New year, new me...only a little late

I've been unhappy for months. Maybe as long as a year or more. And I'm tired of it. So I'm making changes.

See, I feel like I've folded too far into myself. I haven't worked in over half a year, and it's narrowed by life to stories about the cats and TV and nailpolish, and that's cool and all, I love those things, but that's not a life. It's a fragment of a life, with nothing to support it. I feel like I'm losing what little socialization I managed to layer over my usual impulse to never talk to people ever. I'm sliding back into the unhappy sort of introversion, and I'm not liking where it's taking me, mentally or emotionally.

And there are no jobs here.

So I'm moving. Probably not in the summer, when my financial aid comes in, though that's an option; most likely, in the winter, when Hayden goes off to live his own life and go to grad school. I've been the third wheel for too long, and it was great for a time, and now it's not, and I'm going to go somewhere I've never been and live my own life for a while. Just me and Ninja.

It's scary and it's sad and I feel like I'm in a slow, amicable, but still final divorce, but it's got to be done, and I need the change so I don't totally shrivel up. I don't remember what it's like to be happy--and that's a really huge problem. Huge.

In the meantime, I'm working on finding ways to make money so I can afford this (because if I can't, I'm still screwed, so I have to). I'm working on getting over the reinstated shyness and social aversion that isn't helping any. I'm working on winnowing my belongings so they're easier to move. I'm working on restructuring my idea of myself as someone who can live on her own, who wants to, and who is capable of handling all the crap that a real, adult life entails, without any help. Because I'm also tired of being a burden, a third wheel, a charity case. I'm tired of not being on the same level as everyone else. I'm tired of being a child when I know I'm too old for it.

This is me, growing up.