Some things...

I've been spending a lot of time--like the better part of over two years since I moved up here--trying to clarify what I want out of life, and this blog has been sort of a record of my mindset and my opinions and my goals. Which is as it should be, really. But since I want this blog to be a specific thing, and because it reflects my life, it gives me a lens through which to help define what sort of life I want. What sort of life I'm aiming for and working toward.

Here's what I have right now--and I'll probably redo this list periodically so that I can see how far I've come and where I'm still needing work:

• I want beauty -- Because of spending most of my life sharing houses, I don't have a lot of actual furniture, and because of general poorness and not staying anywhere very long, I have a lot of disposable stuff; I want to replace them with higher-quality things, with things that are pretty and useful at the same time, with things I make myself. I also want to collect and create more art, to grow a beautiful garden that allows me to make beautiful meals AND to fill vases with flowers. I want better clothes to replace the ones I wear out, and to get back to wearing actual outfits, not just whatever-is-basically-clean-enough-because-who-cares.
• I want variety -- I grew up traveling, and I can't afford much of that now. It rankles and wears on me like you wouldn't believe, and to ease some of that until I CAN afford to get back to traveling, I want to go to more events, see more shows, get involved in more groups. This last one is slow, because I'm shy and poor and without reliable transportation, but I've been reaching out, and I hope some of that reaching connects with people who could be friends--and who could show me and teach me and let me discover things I wouldn't have ever experienced on my own. I also want variety in a practical way. I want to have a choice of which beautiful cup or place I use, which country I source my recipes from, which books I read; I want to trade out my bedding and pillows and curtains to suit the season, not just for the holidays at the end of the year.
• I want to learn new things -- I don't do well without school, but my school loan debt is pretty high by this point, so going back isn't an option right now. Which means I need to learn stuff out of school. I want to learn more crochet stitches, I want to actually finish a quilt in an actual pattern, I want to learn new things to do with yarn and beads and thread and cloth and paper. I want to learn to blend my own perfume and tea, to speak other languages, to write things I haven't written before.
• I want health -- For me, for my lifestyle, for any creatures that depend on me, be they cats or plants or kids-I-watch or kids-I-have-at-some-point-in-the-future. I'm leaning toward the idea that I need more healthy fat and less fat-free stuff, more good protein, more whole and natural food, more vegetables. I think Paleo is too strict and weird, but that it has some very good ideas about what food should be. And I'm getting control of all the weird body issues caused by living crappily for years, and learning not to fall back into them.
• I want to make a living creatively -- I can't sustain a life based around retail. I've tried, repeatedly, and I just can't. I can do it for a while, but the only way I can keep it going is if I'm the one making the stuff I'm sitting in a store all day selling, and that hasn't been a thing I could do yet. So I need to make to keep myself sane, and that's what I'm doing now--I make stuff, I make nail polish, I make books, I make connections between things and other things and share those with the world. Sooner or later, I'll get to make a living off it; I just have to stay the course.
• I do, eventually, want to find love and have (or get) kids -- I don't know how or where, and I'm uncomfortable with the feeling of desperation that comes with actively seeking because I think it conflicts with my fundamental idea that love should be natural, automatic, and simple, because life is too much of the opposite of that. But one day I want to get married and have kids and add them to this record. And I want to make a life that can thrive with those things, a me that can flow into it healthily and with knowledge, and a situation that won't fall apart the second I find out I'm pregnant or something.

And, if we look at things from a taking-pictures-of-it point of view, I want:

• Good vacations
• Good food
• Good company
• Wine always around, and tasty
• Cool clothes and accessories
• A house that is all mine, filled with things I love
• Light that isn't blinding or baking
• Lots and lots of lush plantlife
• A life that looks good from every angle, instead of one that only looks good from one angle, where I crop out or don't mention those parts that don't

So this is what I'm aiming for.

What're you aiming for?