another clean start

I hate making resolutions because they never work. H says it's because I'm not believing in them, but I think it's because a resolution is a monolithic thing, and the idea is to list everything that's wrong with your life, and when I've done that, I've overwhelmed myself with giant walls that can't be altered.

But I do like making lists, and I'm champing at the bit to get something decent out of this year. Here are things I'd like to accomplish:

-- I want to write other things, so I've started work on a screenplay. By started work, I mean I've got the software and a page or so of basic brainstorming, and I'm trying to remember that one class six years ago that told me how to structure a movie. In a bit, I'll learn how to sell it without having to move to Hollywood (although, if it came to that, I'd be one step closer to My Future Husband, who moved there recently. He is a goal in and of himself.).

-- I want to find a better job. Preferably one involving writing and much better pay. Much better. My rate of raises hasn't kept up with the increase in minimum wage and the inflation of cost-of-living expenses, and I'm making base pay and barely surviving, and I'm sick of it. i'm so sick of it, I've considered hooking or getting a webcam or something, because it can't be that much worse, can it? (Considered being the operative word here. I'm not that desperate yet.)

-- I want multiple respectable streams of income, because having my whole life hanging on one thing is ridiculous. Seriously. Preposterous. One person flips out and decides I'm expendable, and I have no income.

-- I'm going to get back to eating better again. I'm still eating seasonally / refreshing the compulsion to do so, and I need to get back to the market and get back to eating fresh, real food. I had a salad the other day, and it was the best thing I've eaten in weeks-- which is sad, because it was just a chain restaurant ceasar, and it shouldn't have tasted so awesome.

-- I'm tired of being fat. This is reaching critical mass. I'm having dreams about being thin and then suddenly being too fat for my clothes and vice versa, and it's horrible.

-- I'm going back to school. This is already a reality. And while there, I'm going to suck all the marrow of opportunity I can out of that bitch. I got the test writing job a few years ago by doing that, and I can do it again.

This year, I'm done with the casting around and being stupid of the twenties. I'm ready to get on with my life already.

as i said in my writing blog: new year's a-comin'; i can feels it in me bones...

Do you make resolutions? I totally don't. For ages, I tried, only to fail within a few days or a few weeks, and I think it's because it's too big: in this one moment, I'll make plans that will change my whole life and everything will be awesome from here on in? No way. Too hard.

So I instead, I think of myself and my life as a work in progress. Each month is a new beginning, each Monday is a chance to get back on track. I know exactly where I want to get to*; it's just this pesky in-between-ness that's causing problems, so as I go, I check back every once in a while and try to figure out how to get closer to the place I want to be. Life is a journey and all that. My map is just sort of missing chunks of the landscape.

But I still feel that... pull, maybe, when a year is switching over. I want the new year to be better than the old. 2009 was full of sickness and poorness and unemployment and stress, and one of my friends' sister is dying, and I haven't gotten nearly as much done as I want, and my savings are entirely decimated. This is a sucky place to be. So 2010 will be better. By sheer force of will, it will be better. I mean, it's Twenty-Ten. That's the way you say the years of the Future, so it's got to be better.

I'm going to diversify my writing, and do so more often, with the help of various new professional memberships I'll be getting, and gradschool, and a year at ICFA where I don't have to worry about presenting a paper.

I'm going to get back in shape (because the six pounds I lost were gained right back through Thanksgiving), and I'm going to go back to eating healthier.

I'm going to save money as much as I can and work on my habit of spending money that really should be put away. Hopefully the writing will help me get that under control. Any new sources of income will be much appreciated, and I've been throwing around the idea that maybe I can buy stocks. All the prices are down right now, but the upswing is on the horizon, and maybe I can get in on that if I can find some steady stocks that people will still need, even if the economy stays crap.

And it'll be better.

*I have details and shading that's a whole other post on it's own, but here's the gist: full-time writer before I'm too old, so I can enjoy being young and not working retail; my own dream house on a hill with a beautiful garden and a view of moving water; a tall beautiful husband or three and several smart and healthy kids; enough renown to be recognizable (students writing papers about my work, people asking me to write for their books, stuff like that); free money that's plentiful enough to travel frequently.