meme: economic stimulus

My Aunt just sent me this, and I wanted to share:

Just in case you get a check....or don't.....lol. Sometime this year, we taxpayers will receive an Economic Stimulus payment.This is a very exciting program. I'll explain it using the Q and A format:
Q. What is an Economic Stimulus payment?
A. It is money that the federal government will send to taxpayers.

Q. Where will the government get this money?
A. From taxpayers.

Q. So the government is giving me back my own money?
A. Only a smidgen.

Q. What is the purpose of this payment?
A. The plan is for you to use the money to purchase a high-definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy..

Q. But isn't that stimulating the economy of Asia ?
A. Shut up or you don't get your check.

Below is some helpful advice on how best to help the US economy by spending your stimulus checkwisely:
1. If you spend the stimulus money at Wal-Mart, your money will go to China .
2. If you spend it on gasoline, your money will go to Saudi Arabia .
3. If you purchase a computer, it will go to India ..
4. If you purchase fruit and vegetables, it will go to Mexico , Honduras and Guatemala .
5. If you buy a car, it will go to Japan or Korea .
6. If you purchase useless plastic stuff, it will go to Taiwan .
7. If you pay off your credit cards, or buy stock, it will go to pay management bonuses and be hidden in offshore accounts.

Instead, you can keep the money in America by:
1. Spending it at yard sales or flea markets, or
2. Going to baseball or football games, or
3. Hiring prostitutes, or
4. Buying cheap beer or
5. Getting tattoos.

These are the only wholly-American- owned businesses still operating in the U.S. Conclusion: The best way to stimulate the economy is to go to a ball game with a prostitute that you met at a yard saleand drink beer all day until you're drunk enough to go get tattooed.

fat girl goes slim: weight, again

As soon as it got cold, I got fat again. Man, it'a annoying. I don't think I'm eating any more than I did before, though I'm probably eating more bad things again, but I'm still being active...

guh.

I need groceries. I keep having to eat at work, which means I'm eating icecream. Not good.

tis the season to celebrate not having been eaten by giant birds

January 9th at noon starts off the Seventeen And A Half Days of Aveomas! We are all very excited. We've got our tree covered in birds, we've got many of our Bought Gifts and we're working on our Made Gifts, we're writing the most terrifying carols, we're planning an Avomas Special to possibly post to the interwebs, and we'll be putting up a post on Wikipedia (mostly to see how long it lasts) and Uncyclopedia beforehand. We've created a secular gift-dealing sidekick. We've added to the Mythos. We're spreading the word.

What is Aveomas, you say?

It's only the coolest holiday every to be celebrated throughout history as of four years ago! See, we all work in retail or foodtail, and Christmas is a horrible time of overwork, screaming customers, much stress and expensive gifts. So five years ago, we suffered through one last Season and decided to call it quits. After that, we moved our gift-giving to a semi-arbitrary date in the middle-to-late January, and we've made a series of myths and stories to make a real holiday of it. Since everything is on sale after Christmas, we celebrate The Search For the Holy Bargain, and get all our Bought Gifts for cheap. And since we were directly arguing against commercialism, we make out Made Gifts ourselves, and that way, everyone gets at least two presents. We celebrate because the Giant Birds have allowed us to exist as a country and a people for another year, and we're hoping to repeat the good luck of not being fed to baby Giant Birds for our insolence. We eat chicken or turkey on Aveomas Night to thin out the competition for the Giant Birds and gain their favor, and because they are delicious and can be bought already cooked form a rotissimat. We try to be good so the Aveomas Faun called Lil Pepe will bring us liquor when he comes, instead of cutting off our feet and pickling them. And we all get together and share in jokes and feathery-meat meals and togetherness and really nice hand-made gifts.

Excellent, right?

You should all join the Aveomas Facebook Page we set up last year, and spread the word all over the world. If Take Like A Pirate Day can catch on, and the Flying Spaghetti Monster can sway minds, so can the Giant Birds!

shonagonisms: how i know that it's winter

- Even here in Florida, it's been cold enough that I can't sleep without three blankets and a cat.

- All the leaves are gone from the pecan tree where my room used to be, and the branches stand out like ink-lines against a paper sky.

- I feel the urge to subsist entirely on potatoes and home-made bread, to hoard food for the Cold Times, to sleep for two thirds of the day.

- My first impulse in food-making each dinner time is 'How about some soup?' and I'm desperately glad that I had the forethought to put up turkey broth and pumpkin broth at Thanksgiving and Halloween.

- My thoughts are turning internal, evaluating, planning, being less outwardly productive, but more inwardly constructive.

- The virginia creeper is all red and orange and has gone lacy with the cold.

- Acorns are everywhere, dying the streets saffron where cars have crushed them into flour.

- Oxalis is coming back up, and the grassy summer weeds are being replaced by wintercress as we speak.

- All the oranges all over the neighborhoods are bright orange and round and heavy, just waiting for a freeze.

- All the cats, and even the dog congregate around the heating vents and tolerate a much closer contact with each other.

- I feel the pull of an ancestral life, where winter is a rest from work and I should be able to bundle up with a hot cup of tea, and focus on a book or an embroidery.

switched-on x: desperately seeking wardrobe

After going to the dayjob's Christmas party in a long skirt while all the other girls wore sexy dresses, I realized that my wardrobe is pretty sad lately. I've got some cute summer dresses and a selection of long skirts, but no winter clothes (which will be a problem next year when I start school where there's actually Fall and Winter), I haven't owned a Little Black Dress in years, and I have almost nothing to dress up in. I'm desperately low on accessories outside the earrings-and-necklace range-- I don't even own a belt, I have shawls but only a few of the square variety of scarf, my hair jewelry is limited to about fifty hairsticks and two headbands, I don't have any gloves, and certainly none of the sweet lace type-- and only one pair of warmers because my friend made them for me last Aveomas. My underthings are severly limited to one bra (that's seen better days), a few pairs of panties that are getting more and more beat up by the constant washing, none of which are particularly sexy, no slips, one pair of thigh-high fishnets with a garter belt I'm too fat for right now, nary a merry widow, and two corsets that I'm hoping I'll fit back into before too long. I still own clothes I wore in high school, and most of them don't fit anymore. I have some cute shoes, but most of them no longer coordinate with outfits.

This is pathetic.

So here's The Plan on this Issue:

- I'm looking for a Little Black Dress (or, better, three) that will accommodate the fact that I have up-and-down weights and will look nice and flattering either end.

- I'm looking for dresses that are versatile enough to be dressed up or dressed down, and used in a variety of ways through styling (Avon has two that I want), and come in solid colors that will last a while (all my current dresses indulge my fondness for large patterns, usually involving flowers or paisley).

- I'm looking for wide belts / patterns to make them myself.

- I'm looking for fascinators and cocktail hats / ideas to make them for myself.

- I'm looking for headbands and hair clips and flowers and little felt whimsies for my hair, now that I've figured out a few ways to make it not suck and don't mind drawing attention to it.

- I'm searching through Etsy and DaWanda and 1000 Markets and Indie Fix.

- I'm looking into making my own retro under-roos, and finding cheap romantic fancy-time underclothes like corsets and merry widows; if I can manage it, I want to start wearing these things more often, preferably in place of traditional bras, which I hate.

Inspirations for these wardrobe renovations:

- Zooey Deschanel in the Cotton commercials

- Emily Deschanel as Bones, when she's wearing softer and more romantic clothing (especially the big ethnic necklaces, and her parade of wonderful shoes. And her party dresses. Man, I wish I had a stylist.)

- The girls in the Mark catalogs, specifically the ones labeled 'rock' and 'punk', blended with the ones that are labeled 'retro' and 'romantic'

- These key words: Fun, Unexpected, Flirty, Romantic, Rock, Retro, (I hate to say it, but) Hipster (in the sense of the above words), Vintage, Hand-made, Sweetly Sexy, European, Long-wearing, Gypsy-inspired; Hand-embroidered; Feminine-but-not-girly; Green; Blue; Earth-tones; Ivory; Jewel-Tones; Sexy-but-not-slutty

- Other noted search terms: Owls / Birds / Feathers / Leafs / Branches / Acorns / Seeds; Roses / Cherry Blossoms / Lillies / Dandelion Puffs; Japanese patterns; Retro patterns; Russian nesting dolls; The Ocean; The Sky; The Earth. How fortunate that so many of the things I already love are fashionable right now (and will probably soon be not fashionable, and will all go on sale).

fat girl goes slim: progress!

This morning, I weighed in at 150! Down ten pounds from the start of this adventure, and one quarter of the way to a healthy weight! I have to figure out how to keep it here, and how to keep going, but I'm going to tentatively say that it's working!

I figured out how to turn in a circle while I hoop today, which was both fun and upping the effort it takes to hoop, and I practiced a few silly arm-things-- pulling the hoop from around my waist, up over my head and back down on the other side. I can't manage it when I'm actually hooping yet, but it's a nice flow and I'll eventually figure out how to get my hand under the moving hoop without knocking it down to the ground.

I get paid this week, and I'm going to stock up on decent real foods as much as I can; I'm tired of the icky feeling that crap food gives me, and Lean Cuisines, even when they're good, never seem to satisfy. I've been re-reading French Women Don't Get Fat, which I first read the last time I was trying to lose weight, and I managed to do pretty well on it before, so I'm going back to mindful eating, never over-eating, never depriving, more movement, fresher food. And I looked up herbs I can make teas out of that will help control cravings-- don't worry; I found the ones that do so by nourishing, not the ones that make me not think of eating. A well-nourished body needs less to eat and therefore craves less.

shonagonisms: names i would like to give to a child

Lucas Alexander (Xander) ("light-bringer" "defender of mankind")

Jack

Owen

Jono Leander

Grey

Heath

Harper Dresden

Cameron Valentine

Constantine

Rhys

Malcolm Gregory (Mal)

Paisley Sagan

Poppy Allegra

Carter (for a girl)

Olivia

Brennan

Aveline Rose

Mellora Elise

Gwen

Gillian Morgana

Aryn Katrina

Blue

Gallifrey (Frey)

Finbar (Finn)

things you should know if we ever get married for your greencard

I always wanted to marry a man named Jack. Partly for the fannishness of being named Sam & Jack, and partly because it's my favorite boys' name.

In the middle of the night, if I stay up too long after I know I should go to sleep, I get melancholy and romantic.

I want to go back to Scotland. Or at least find someone to talk Scottish at me.

I don't know how to use a blowdryer, how to whistle, or how to properly apply liquid eyeliner.

I'm pretty sure most things have individual personalities, and most of them have a perverse sense of humor.

My most frequent sudden urge is for chocolate, closely followed by the urge to slap a bitch. Really. I constantly want to smack people for being stupid.

I need someone to start paying me for writing at a rate where I can give up retail before I become an unfixable misanthrope and it ruins everything.

I am a founding member of Aveomas.

today

... I feel:

Awful, and not as in 'full of awe' so much as in 'full of sinus pain'. And ear pain. And pressure under my eye and on my already-embattled teeth.

... I like:

Leftover mashed potatoes rolled into balls before re-heating so I can eat them with my hands and not have to use any kind of silverware. Everything is better in bun form.

When I have a headache, and for once, it's not starting on my right browbone and crawling over my skull on the side that I hit against the side of the car the second time I was hit by a car. It's alarming when all my headaches happen where I've had head-trauma. Makes me hypochondriacal. I've seen that episode of Bones where her mom died of ancient brain-trauma!

... I'm amused by:

Ryan Abbeglen's mechanical creature cards.

Clients from Hell, because I'm addicted to niche-blogs.

... I'm loving:

Sweet baby puppies who sit down on my lap and sleep, even after they make me clean up all the puffed wheat cereal in the world because they've spread it all over the house.

This notepaper download, because one day I'll start writing letters reliably again. Another thing to add to my Must Reincorporate Into My Life list.

That Avon has added a blog function to the eReps site. I'm on that site all the time anyway, so let's see if I can keep it up!

... I want:

Divine Twine because it's pretty and I'm secretly a cat, or a bowerbird, or a magpie.

This gorgeous 2010 calendar from Mibo. Because it's it's sweet and clean and I want a life it would fit into.

To get Christmas shopping underway already, but I'll have to wait until I can pick up my second-job paycheck tomorrow.

... I am:

Glad I have so many hours this week.

Tired, but not ready to sleep yet.

Sick of the only comments I get on my articles being from idiots.

letters to the aether

Dear Everybody,

As you may or may not know, I sell Avon, and I think it's about time that I kicked it up a notch, as I'm going to be needing money for travel and grad school soon, so for the new year, I'm offering several Specials!

If you live somewhere I can walk to, I'll give you 10% off orders of 20$ or more, and every time you refer three people who place orders, I'll give you one item free with a cost of up to ten dollars. After three orders in six months, you can join the Customer Appreciation Club, which will eventually have a cooler name than that, I'll give you something cool on your birthday, and each order will build points toward more free stuff! If you work downtown or go to Flagler, I'll give you an automatic 10% off.

Don't live or work somewhere nearby? No fear! If you order through my online store (www.youravon.com/sholcomb), your order can be shipped directly to your home, and if you contact me first, I'll give you a code for free shipping! If you order through me directly, I can offer you all the above deals and benefits, but I'll have to charge you shipping through the USPS-- I use flat-rate shipping boxes, so whatever will fit in each box or envelope will all ship for one low price. Contact me for details!

We carry all sorts of neat makeups, tons of really great perfumes, men's colognes, clothes, shoes, housewares and kitchen goods, natural skincare products, children's things, and advanced anti-aging products. Come see what we can bring to you, and feel free to ask me any questions you have!

Love,

Me

Your local Avon Rep

fat girl goes slim: update-itude

I knew that Thanksgiving would ruin me. So I'm not surprised that I've regained five of the six pounds I lost before hand. But that doesn't mean it's not annoying.

So this paycheck, after I pay all my bills, I'll be getting the stuff to make my own weighted hoops so I can work out a little more as I hula-hoop my way to weightloss. That's how I got those six pounds off, and it'll work more than that, too, damnit.

I'm also looking into herbalism. I've got all these herbs-- for a while, I wanted to get a degree in herbalism and just sort of never did, mostly because of a collision of no-money and no-opportunity-since-there's-not-a-school-here. I figure it's time I started suing them to balance out my crappy systems, and see if that helps. I made up a tea for cleansing the gallbladder that will hopefully help me get past my gall-stomach-intestinal issues, if the interwebs are right about how it works, and it's not the best-tasting tea ever, but it's nowhere near as bad as that cough-tea I made that one time. And I only need to take a cup or so a day.

I went through all my various supplements, and I'm taking them again: Multivitamins always make me sick, so I take them separately, which looks alarming, but does so much better in my stomach, and things like omega-3 supplements help keep my teeth from hurting, calcium helps that and keeps my PMS in check, coconut oil is supposed to regulate appetite and help with weight loss, spirulina helps with intestinal issues and has iodine which should help with my thyroid-- you know, everything all at once. Yay Puritan's Pride.

And probably the best of all, though it's horribly inconvenient: since my bike was stolen, I'm waking much more, and that's definitely a bigger work-put than seven minutes on the bike, which was mostly coasting even when I tried not to.

as i said in my writing blog: new year's a-comin'; i can feels it in me bones...

Do you make resolutions? I totally don't. For ages, I tried, only to fail within a few days or a few weeks, and I think it's because it's too big: in this one moment, I'll make plans that will change my whole life and everything will be awesome from here on in? No way. Too hard.

So I instead, I think of myself and my life as a work in progress. Each month is a new beginning, each Monday is a chance to get back on track. I know exactly where I want to get to*; it's just this pesky in-between-ness that's causing problems, so as I go, I check back every once in a while and try to figure out how to get closer to the place I want to be. Life is a journey and all that. My map is just sort of missing chunks of the landscape.

But I still feel that... pull, maybe, when a year is switching over. I want the new year to be better than the old. 2009 was full of sickness and poorness and unemployment and stress, and one of my friends' sister is dying, and I haven't gotten nearly as much done as I want, and my savings are entirely decimated. This is a sucky place to be. So 2010 will be better. By sheer force of will, it will be better. I mean, it's Twenty-Ten. That's the way you say the years of the Future, so it's got to be better.

I'm going to diversify my writing, and do so more often, with the help of various new professional memberships I'll be getting, and gradschool, and a year at ICFA where I don't have to worry about presenting a paper.

I'm going to get back in shape (because the six pounds I lost were gained right back through Thanksgiving), and I'm going to go back to eating healthier.

I'm going to save money as much as I can and work on my habit of spending money that really should be put away. Hopefully the writing will help me get that under control. Any new sources of income will be much appreciated, and I've been throwing around the idea that maybe I can buy stocks. All the prices are down right now, but the upswing is on the horizon, and maybe I can get in on that if I can find some steady stocks that people will still need, even if the economy stays crap.

And it'll be better.

*I have details and shading that's a whole other post on it's own, but here's the gist: full-time writer before I'm too old, so I can enjoy being young and not working retail; my own dream house on a hill with a beautiful garden and a view of moving water; a tall beautiful husband or three and several smart and healthy kids; enough renown to be recognizable (students writing papers about my work, people asking me to write for their books, stuff like that); free money that's plentiful enough to travel frequently.

this is how i looked today: 12-2-2009

Clothes were work-boring, but I thought my hair looked cute today, the morning after I attempted to straighten it for the first time.

Also didn't put on any eyeshadow or foundation or anything, but the lipgloss is Glazewear Sparkle in Cinnamon Apple from Avon, my new favorite color (since they seem to have discontinued my previous fav, Rosebud).

The leafy earrings are ones I love, Raquel Earrings from sweetVintage on Etsy. The loop piercing at the top is a replacement for the barbell I lost, a 14g stainless steel with a cute little point on the top from Painful Pleasures, lovingly pierced by my friend MayMay before she ran away and joined the circus, and the cuff is from Silver Feather Downtown.

The pinkness in my cheek is probably rosacea; that's from my dad, even though my mom is the one with the pasty genetics and sensitive skin.

The scar under the corner of my mouth is from my aunt's dog when I was ten; it snapped when I was petting it and grabbed ahold of my jaw. There's a matching scar under my chin, a little further in from where I bashed open my chin when I was four, and where there's still a smudge of road rash from when I was hit by the car when I was sixteen. Yeah, I'm a scarbaby. You can't see it because of the hair and the glasses, but there's another one on the corner of my eyebrow from slamming into the corner of a coffeetable when I was three. You should see my knees and my elbows.

shonagonisms: moments when I feel connected to the grand history of all women

When I'm stripping all the flesh off a carcass to make stock to last us through the winter.

When I'm kneading the dough or leaving it covered in a dishtowel before making bread.

When I'm standing barefoot in the kitchen, making a yummy dinner.

When I'm standing barefoot in the garden, tending to plants that will make food for my family.

When I'm cooking up a batch of Winter Salve to keep the dryness from devastating my heels.

When I first lace up a new corset.

When I hold a brand-new baby.

When I'm putting on my makeup for a night out, and especially when I'm adding perfume.

When I'm in bed with someone I love, and almost, almost there.