on being a person

I'm not very good at being a functional human being. I get distracted. I cave under the pressure of life. I have plans and then forget them or get stuck. I live as if I'm balancing on a platform that likes to suddenly be a different size.

But you know what? I'm learning. I'm starting to understand my own triggers and warning signs. I'm slowly modifying my life and my self to feel and be like I think I am. I finally have a clear idea of where I'm going and what I want to do with myself. And I'm feeling more like a functional person. Like I'm not just pretending all the time-- now sometimes I actually am.

Is this part of growing up? Because I really feel I was misinformed, either way.

And I don't think I want to define myself as other anymore. My spirituality is my business, and the weird parts of my experience are either real, and therefore nothing to worry about, or just strange, and therefore also nothing to worry about. I understand that I sometimes think differently than the norm, and also that that's part of how I can conceivably make a living off of telling stories. I'm knowing who I am, and I'm starting to know who I'm going to be, and that's what matters. That and the fact that I can usually pay my bills, I have a job or three, I have long-term friendships, I have goals and a bank account that usually doesn't go under. If I was crazy two or three years ago, I think I'm not now-- or, at least, not the sort that makes me not function in reality anymore.

It's a nice feeling.

And I'm not quite trusting it yet, but now that I know it, I know I can build on it.

fat girl goes slim: january 2010

I weighed myself this morning, and I'm edging under 150 despite all the BS and crap food. I'm glad there's progress, because I was getting annoyed, starting to think that maybe I should just give up.

But we also went to the Converse outlet, and there are Cons that fit me for half price because I technically weir a kids' size, and they have the most adorable retro running shoes, and if I can swing it after this week's bills and such, I'm going to get them. I want to run. Not jogging, I hate hate hate jogging and it makes my knees and hips hurt from old injuries, but run. Flat out. Like I'm being chased by monsters. The Harry Dresden- Dr Who Companion workout plan. I figure I'll start just sprinting up and down my block-- I'm very out of shape, and my lungs are quite crap*, so that should be fine for now. When I get stronger, and I build up some tolerance, I'll head out to the running track, or around the lake like the school's track and field team. I'm not really concerned with marathon-levels of stamina; I juls like the feel of opening up my hips and hitting that rhythm where I used to run across sand dunes back when we used to dance on the beach.

Meanwhile, a friend of mine was talking about how fat doesn't necessarily equal unhealthy, and I think she's right. I feel better when I eat better and move more, but i haven't lost that much weight. It's just moved around, and I'm fine with that, for all that I have these annoying dreams where I realize I've never been fat, I've just been looking at myself skewed, and when I realize it, I'm suddenly where I want to be. Maybe there's some internalized pop culture voice telling me I want to be a bony bitch, but that's not true when i'm conscious-- I don't want all my chest bones showing, I just want to be able to see my collarbones. And to not be accidentally anorexic or the opposite there of again.

Weight is such a minefield.

*When I was in seventh grade, I got bronchitis seven times in a school year (I missed 160 days, and they couldn't hold me back because I still had perfect grades. Take that Florida Public School System!), and it left me with a tendency toward lung problems, a habit of not breathing deeply, and it took my previous ability to hold my breath for just over three minutes. I haven't gotten any of that back in order yet, so I'll have to run just a little bit at a time and trick myself into doing it right.

shonagonisms: my newest obsessions include...

... the mere idea of a facial soap. Especially one with rose water, charcoal, or some other exotic ingredient my life doesn't normally include. Especially since my face is suddenly a nice thing with soft skin and pretty colors.

... makeup brushes. All of them, even if I don't know how to use them. I've always loved brushes and this only rekindles that love.

... doefoot applicators for lipsticks and glosses.

... lipgloss in general, especially if it smells nice.

... whole wheat toast with greek-yogurt cream cheese and gallberry honey. ::drool::

... getting all the parts and accessories I can for my new (hand-me-down) laptop-- for as cheap as humanly possible.

... the possibilities that exist for revamping my fishtank-- all the plants and statues and lights and other fish and snails and little electric-blue miniature lobsters!

... new, unread, unreleased books. Man, even if I can never make a living off of reviewing, I can totally continue doing it just for the book-snobbery.

... going back to school. It's all I think about-- and all I want to do right now.

... the upcoming trip to IKEA, and whether I'll be able to afford what I want.

... baking. I want to make cookies and bread, and if I didn't have to go to work in an hour, I'd already be all over that mess.

shonagonisms: things that i love include

... miso soup with crispy onions.

... the way trees look when I first wake up and look out my window, all blurry and upside down.

... the sweet warmth of a purring cat on my lap when I'm reading a good book

... baking. Anything.

... suddenly having time I didn't think I had.

... the first use of a new eyeshadow or lipstick. It's always a surprise, always an adventure.

... long socks pulled up over my knees.

... expensive chocolate, and the time to properly savor it, sex-noises and all.

... oolong tea.

... getting packages in the mail, even when I'm the one who ordered them.

... the first few pages of a new book, and the basking after the last few.

... vodka and cran with lime.

... guava wine with soda water. Well, really, almost anything guava.

... the last few seconds of landing in an airplane, when the ground is inevitable, but hasn't happened yet.

... mountains.

... watching roses open.

... fuzzy warm blankets when it's cold.

... finding out small an unexpected ways other cultures differ from ours.

... beautiful things that don't need to be beautiful but are anyway-- stools, bowls, wooden spoons, cake stands, ceiling rafters, stuff like that.

... misty weather and soft green grass by the sea.

day to day: 1-14-2010

Most of the time, I sort of assume that I'm just getting by, that I'm not horrendous, but I'm not really good looking. It's not fishing for compliments to say so (but people tend to think it is and that's why i don't mention it much), it's just how I see myself in the framework of the world and all the beautiful people in it. I don't like the shape of my mouth, or how it looks when I talk or smile, I don't think i'm all that photogenic, and generally my hair is something of a plague theme at best.

But today-- today I think I'm looking pretty cute. I managed to lose ten pounds while I was sick, and I've kept them off as I've gotten better, I started a round of leg exercises yesterday, I only coughed a little right when I woke up, I picked up a job reviewing books (and some of the reviews will even pay!), the lack of humidity has kept my hair smooth and flat, I managed to get a whole shift in today (and, believe me, that's an accomplishment with how slow it's been at work lately), and my waist is down an inch and a half. I'm feeling pretty (tentatively) awesome, and I wanted to share.

Both shirts are from Target. The cleavage is mine, and look! I almost have a collarbone again! I'm not wearing any jewelry today because I was running late for work and didn't have time to decide on any. Today's makeup is my brand new Flip for It compact in LA, the equally brand new Regenerist Eye Kit which Avon sent me for demo (it's a wrinkle-correcting eye cream and a light-deflecting highlighter, and it's not for sale yet), Ideal Shade in Translucent powder foundation, and mark Dew Drench lipstick in Ruby Glaze. Yeah, I totally only have Avon makeup on most days, since I only owned, like, three pieces of makeup before I started selling (::ahem and buying ahem::) Avon. The only things in my hair are a little smoothing spray from, like, three days ago when I straightened my bangs, a rubberband, and a clip for the weird side of my bangs that I'm getting pretty good at denying.

another clean start

I hate making resolutions because they never work. H says it's because I'm not believing in them, but I think it's because a resolution is a monolithic thing, and the idea is to list everything that's wrong with your life, and when I've done that, I've overwhelmed myself with giant walls that can't be altered.

But I do like making lists, and I'm champing at the bit to get something decent out of this year. Here are things I'd like to accomplish:

-- I want to write other things, so I've started work on a screenplay. By started work, I mean I've got the software and a page or so of basic brainstorming, and I'm trying to remember that one class six years ago that told me how to structure a movie. In a bit, I'll learn how to sell it without having to move to Hollywood (although, if it came to that, I'd be one step closer to My Future Husband, who moved there recently. He is a goal in and of himself.).

-- I want to find a better job. Preferably one involving writing and much better pay. Much better. My rate of raises hasn't kept up with the increase in minimum wage and the inflation of cost-of-living expenses, and I'm making base pay and barely surviving, and I'm sick of it. i'm so sick of it, I've considered hooking or getting a webcam or something, because it can't be that much worse, can it? (Considered being the operative word here. I'm not that desperate yet.)

-- I want multiple respectable streams of income, because having my whole life hanging on one thing is ridiculous. Seriously. Preposterous. One person flips out and decides I'm expendable, and I have no income.

-- I'm going to get back to eating better again. I'm still eating seasonally / refreshing the compulsion to do so, and I need to get back to the market and get back to eating fresh, real food. I had a salad the other day, and it was the best thing I've eaten in weeks-- which is sad, because it was just a chain restaurant ceasar, and it shouldn't have tasted so awesome.

-- I'm tired of being fat. This is reaching critical mass. I'm having dreams about being thin and then suddenly being too fat for my clothes and vice versa, and it's horrible.

-- I'm going back to school. This is already a reality. And while there, I'm going to suck all the marrow of opportunity I can out of that bitch. I got the test writing job a few years ago by doing that, and I can do it again.

This year, I'm done with the casting around and being stupid of the twenties. I'm ready to get on with my life already.

2009, the year in review

What a crap year. For every advance, there was always something bad to knock it back down. It's like a Star Trek movie: all the odd-numbered ones suck.

- I did not find love

- I was unemployed for my birthday

- I'm back at minimum wage, and had to get a second job to even hope to make up for it

- I ate seasonally for most of a year until I became so poor that I couldn't even afford the farmer's market, and fresh food has been right off the menu for ages

-Related: I extended my year of eating seasonally so I can fill out the Lists and complete my research before I start shopping the book

- I did not get published, because I did not send anything out

- I got accepted to grad school! I had to push it back, and paying off school loans has made me even poorer than before, but they were kind enough to let me keep my spot. I interpret this to mean they really liked my story-fragment.

- I only got a bad cold once, and that was right at the end of the year.

- We got a new cat and a new dog.

- I started writing articles for Examiner, and made enough money to pay for the Food and Wine festival this year.

- Death is far too common, and I'm tired of people dying around me.

- I took up hooping, and have been moderately successful at keeping it consistent. Have plans to get / make pro-weight ones that will help me work out better.

- My bike was stolen, and I'm on foot again.

- I got my contributer's copy of Fiction International, and my book review was published ahead of schedule, but I didn't get any more commissions from them.

- I started this blog!

- I managed a little more than half of a novel during NaNoWriMo

- I started organizing my brain and my schedule so I can get stuff done.

- I did not travel anywhere; I almost didn't make it to ICFA, let alone anywhere else.

- I saw several movies I really liked, and in the theatre, too!

- I kept a garden alive all summer, but hardly got any food from it, though I did get lots of lovely roses that went into a jar with black tea.

- My ovaries shut down.

- I started reading 100 books in a year, starting on my birthday, and made it to twenty before the end of the year.

- I learned how to make my own limoncello and related liquors.

So here's to 2010 being infinitely better!

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