What I'm doing with my life

Hello blogosphere! I don't post here nearly often enough. Right now, that's because I fear I'd just sound like a depressed broken record, but I'm getting to the point where I have to do something and I have to do it soon (and I really should have done it months ago) and I can't stand to hear myself being depressed and beaten down anymore.

I'm making plans.

Always a bad idea, I know, since nothing ever goes according to plan, but I have to do something or I'm going to just accidentally jump off a cliff or something. In Florida, which means I'll have to build a cliff and then accidentally jump off it. Which is too much trouble.

I've been applying for real-life jobs and online writing jobs left and right and I'm struggling to maintain faith that I actually know what I'm doing there, but it gets a little easier every time to put myself up for positions I really want. It's not that I don't think I can do the jobs so much as it's that I'm afraid of getting the job I want and then failing and being right back here. But I can't possibly do more than another year or so of a job I know I'll hate just because I need the money. I can't. I'll die in some fundamental way, and I won't become one of those beaten down, hateful waitresses that are all over TV, because I doubt some rich millionaire will fall for me and bring me back to the land of the living the way they do on TV and romcoms. Real life isn't that nice to me.

But what I'm really doing is trying to set up my life the way I want it. It started when I discovered Puttylike and Rightbrain Rockstar and then all the other people who are doing just that out there, and suddenly I was hopeful again. There really are people out there doing what I want to do. And they're successful at it! Which means I can do it, too, once I figure out how.

Right now, I'm looking at the list of things I like doing and trying to formulate an overarching theme, while pinpointing the life I actually want to be living. In no particular order, here's what I do know:

• I love writing more than I love any other job I've done, and I have Ideas I want to pursue there
• I love embroidery and silversmithing, and I want to make pretty things for peoples lives
• My dream house is not really a house so much as a collection of all those little movable houses that green designers keep putting gorgeous pictures of all over the internet--so I can take it with me and go anywhere
• I don't want to live in Florida anymore
• I do want a garden, even if the garden, too is portable--and maybe especially if it's portable
• I need to get some stamps in my passport before I go insane
• I need to work online because offices make me sad, but a good office is a different matter entirely
• I'm tired of being solitary, but any non-solitariness needs to happen on my own terms or I'm just going to feel smothered and bitter again
• I have far too much emotional investment in television, which means I need to make more of a living off it so that the investment matches the income
• I really, honestly love making video games that tell fun stories
• The Where Should I Live? test told me I should move to Bartimore--or Minesota, but I think Baltimore is more reasonable
• I like making lists and paperwork and handouts more than anyone else I've met
• I need sunlight to finction
• I am not a morning person, and I'm less each time I wake up in the morning
• I want to take up piano again, and learn to sing
• I'm so tired of being non-creative in large parts of my life that I feel like I could burst into flames--I'm already diagnosed as semi-dysfunctionally-rightbrained, and that isn't going to change so I should figure out how to use it

And that's what I have to work with