on being a person

I'm not very good at being a functional human being. I get distracted. I cave under the pressure of life. I have plans and then forget them or get stuck. I live as if I'm balancing on a platform that likes to suddenly be a different size.

But you know what? I'm learning. I'm starting to understand my own triggers and warning signs. I'm slowly modifying my life and my self to feel and be like I think I am. I finally have a clear idea of where I'm going and what I want to do with myself. And I'm feeling more like a functional person. Like I'm not just pretending all the time-- now sometimes I actually am.

Is this part of growing up? Because I really feel I was misinformed, either way.

And I don't think I want to define myself as other anymore. My spirituality is my business, and the weird parts of my experience are either real, and therefore nothing to worry about, or just strange, and therefore also nothing to worry about. I understand that I sometimes think differently than the norm, and also that that's part of how I can conceivably make a living off of telling stories. I'm knowing who I am, and I'm starting to know who I'm going to be, and that's what matters. That and the fact that I can usually pay my bills, I have a job or three, I have long-term friendships, I have goals and a bank account that usually doesn't go under. If I was crazy two or three years ago, I think I'm not now-- or, at least, not the sort that makes me not function in reality anymore.

It's a nice feeling.

And I'm not quite trusting it yet, but now that I know it, I know I can build on it.