new leaves

You know that feeling when everything changes for the better? How you feel like you fit into your own skin better? I always sort of feel like I'm made up of several voices all talking at once, or several layers of image and color, all overlayed, but mostly I'm a little out of focus, a little off-center, and you can see all the layers as separate things instead of them shining through together, all in one plane, all making up one cohesive me.

I started NaNoWriMo this year, and even if I never get to the end, it's already fixed me. It's brought me back into focus and reminded me that I'm not where I work or what I wear-- I'm made of the people I create and the stories I tell, and that's why I'm here. That's why I'm going to school in the fall, why I'm trying to find places to publish me. It's the only think I've ever wanted to do that I could actually accomplish, the only thing I can imagine doing for my whole life and never getting tired of.

I feel like the air has all been let back into the room. I feel like a fever has broken and now I can get better, or like I'm fertile and unpoisoned again. If I can keep this on track, maybe I can get the rest of my life back where it belongs. Maybe I can get back to the right headspace without the WTF Island bullshit.

These are my gratitudes today.